untitled

There hadn’t been a day in the 3 years since I’d met you that I didn’t think of you.

It’s been almost 6 months since we ended, and still think of you every day.

I wonder when the day will come, when I’ll realize I haven’t thought of you in some time.

I still choke up when I have to tell someone we aren’t together.

I still break down sobbing and blaming myself for the pain I’m in.

Would I hop in a Time Machine and do it all over again?

Most days, I’d take it all back. Go on living and loving.

Maybe I’d marry him and have some babies.

Live a beautiful life, rich with love.

Would that have been so bad?

*Cue the bully that lives in my brain*

You’re a dumb bitch

You left the only man who will ever love you

You had it all and you left for what?

Single at 34, killing it

You think you can do better?

He was a great man and now you’ll be stuck a lonely old cat lady.

You’re a fool.

You’ll live to regret this for the rest of your life.

Okay that’s enough of that.

You see what I’m dealing with over here?

Trust me, anything he’s thought about me I’ve thought worse.

Worse part is the love does not go away.

It lingers in my heart, in my memories.

I fell in love with him quickly.

It was a miracle after years of feeling so little for anyone.

I had never fallen so deeply in love with someone before.

I’ve never truly known heartbreak till now.

0/10 recommend

It makes sense why there are so many songs that sing of this pain.

Heartbreak takes ahold of you with iron grips.

Despite the fact that most people will experience heartbreak in their life does not make it easier when you're the one having a mental breakdown

sobbing on the floor of your bedroom on a friday night.

For me, heartbreak has been a rollercoaster of lows and swirly deeper lows,

a few chaotic loops that bring you into the air screaming for a brief second before plunging back to the lows and super low depths of despair.

Some days the depression is so heavy I have to cling on in the only ways I can reach

Sex and drugs, how rock and roll of me.

Worse part about toxic coping habits…

They don’t tend to work.

Not for long anyway, more like a generic brand bandaid that doesn’t stay on.

In fact, the sex actually makes it worse most times.

Tough going from making love with the person you love most in this world,

to... well, you know.

So why do it?

Good question, let me ring my therapist.

Ring Ring

Ah, turns out I have a bad case of seeking male validation to make me feel good about myself.

Yeah, no quick pill to fix that one.

Some days I want to isolate myself from everyone and everything.

Other days, I need to be seen, I need the attention.

To be wanted by many does not feel as good as one would think.

It’s lonely to be wanted but never truly seen.

That one person you shared deep intimate love with…

Yea, they saw you. To be loved, is to be seen.

That’s the stuff I miss.

I hope for the best.

The future is unimaginable.

So I hope for the best.