When does something gotta give?

Where would you put the emphasis on that title? When does something gotta give? Or how about, when does something(!) gotta give? It's up to you.

Doubt, uncertainty, they're facts of life. There will always be something unknown around the corner, the more we try to solve for X, the more we end up lost in an equation of logic that has no solution.

((Bear with me, I just watched 1883...))

If every settler with a covered wagon decided not to explore the Wild West because of the unknown dangers lurking around every bend, much of the United States would remain a mystery. Despite the dangers, hoards of people, Americans and immigrants alike, pushed forward, due to one underlying theme. Hope. Hope for a better life, for gold or land, hope that the unknown that lay beyond would favor in their fortune. Even in dire times, when food ran out or thieves stole everything, when hope remains, hope will drive you forward.

This idea of clinging to hope, it reminds me of a quote I read recently from Viktor Frankl, after having spent time in Nazi concentration camps;

“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms, to choose ones attitude in any given set of circumstances is to choose ones own way”.

In many stories, hope is the hero, its the driving force that makes survival possible.

Is it possible for hope to turn bad?

Let's explore my thoughts on hope & relationships.

Those early days of a relationship can light up our souls and set fire to our hearts in ways very few things in life can. The hope we carry into a new beginning is what keeps us going, despite past heartbreak and misfortune. If we’re lucky, those hopes will pave the way for a beautiful new connection and prove to you it can all work out for good.

So, when does hope (in a relationship) turn sour, and end up keeping us from moving forward. When does hope for a better future turn from idealistic…to downright sad. Should we continue to expect a bright future when we are living a reality that does not provide factual basis for such a thing?

When, does something gotta give?

(there, now you have your emphasis)

If you browse Reddit, you’ll find thousands of questions from people asking the same thing, “what should I do about my relationship?” - enter a set of facts and circumstances that are only marginally dissimilar from some other poor saps question, and it will become clear, many of us don’t know when to quit.

Why?

Well, a variation of reasons, many of which can be explained (usually) by something called Sunk Cost Fallacy. This is the idea or tendency to continue with something due to the fact we’ve already invested heavily in it, be that time, money, or energy. When you find yourself saying, well I’ve already made it this far, might as well keep going, you’re participating in this sunk cost fallacy way of thinking. In many ways it makes sense, you’ve already walked 3 miles, there’s only 1 mile left, I may as well walk the last mile. As it pertains to relationships, it doesn’t quite make sense. If we view our relationship as “already having put this much into it”, yet there is no finish line, then is it worth going the extra mile? The answer gets muddied depending on the situation. While the short answer should be NO, to put it simple, cut your losses, the long answer involves hope. Hoping the unknown, past the next mile marker, will bring about something better. This hope for 'something better' to be waiting for you, despite having ample data from real lived experience, shows just how powerful hope can be, against logic and evidence.

Why do we lose our sense of logic when it comes to relationships?

Well, that’s because the heart doesn’t use logic, and in some cases, that’s beneficial. At some point though, we have to take off the rose colored glasses, put on our corrective lenses, and become an analyst for our own life and relationship. We must give the power of logic back to our brains and  analyze the facts.

At some point, HOPE, becomes toxic.

It's possible to reach a point where hope is no longer driving us forward, but rather, holding us back. If only there was a marker to determine when we’d hoped too far...

What I tend to believe, is that hope and love are entangled like DNA when it comes to relationships. When the woman who has been cheated on by a serial cheater is asked why she stays, part of it is her hope he will change, the other reason, "because I love him!"

Is love the only thing stronger than hope? Does love give us our reason why?

As Nietzsche said, “he who has a why to live for can bear almost any how.”

I don’t have an answer or a guide for what’s next. This is, after all, mind in flow, not an advice column or a “How to”.

If you’re reading this and resonating, I offer you a virtual hug. Life and relationships are complicated, so often we want someone to tell us exactly what to do next. I do know this, sometimes the easy route, the one that appeases the most people or keeps the status quo, really can be the wrong route. Sometimes the route that hurts people, causes disruption and tension, can be the right route. When we put off the hard thing to stay the easy route, often we are only delaying and adding to the fuel of the inevitable disaster that awaits. Your future self will not thank you.

To circle back to the western settlers with their covered wagons…it would’ve been worlds easier to stay put, to stay in what they knew. Its hard to imagine what they went through; this wildly risky trail that led to starvation, disease, death and disaster…that was the harder path that led many of them to a new life, perhaps even the better life they dreamed of. In this case, hope drove them forward. In modern times, we have to look at our options (we have a lot more now!), and we have to scrutinize our hope and ask, is this hope driving me forward, or is it holding me back?

We've come this far, we can't turn back now.